Coolest Name Award Winner
On Tuesday night, the Springfield College men’s lacrosse team faced off against Bowdoin at home. This game was heated from the start, as both teams came out playing a strong, physical game. Unfortunately, the physical play turned into an exchange of cheap shots that started a bench-clearing brawl between the two teams. The referees and coaches did well to get control of the situation, but by the time the dust had cleared on the field, all eyes turned to a very different scuffle that had broken out.
Spirit, our beloved mascot, had taken serious offense to the Bowdoin style of play and decided that it was time to take action. The majestic lion made her way over to the opposing bench and dropped the gloves in front of the Bowdoin polar bear.
Coming in hot with a powerful left hook, Spirit knocked the bear’s head clean off. No one dared get in the middle of this epic duel as the bear countered by taking Spirit to the ground, landing in a full mounted position.
Luckily, Spirit’s strong background in the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gave her a clear advantage in this grappling battle. Within seconds the bear had tapped out of the fight and, in an event that certainly left all children in attendance scarred, Sprit was able to come away with a victory. The bear was left discombobulated on the ground without his head.
Unfortunately, there was no choice but to call off the rest of the game and our proud mascot had to be taken away shamefully in handcuffs.
Despite the fact that Spirit was only acting in the best interest of our team and our campus, she now sits behind bars. For so long Spirit has borne the burden of supporting all of our students through thick and thin, and now in her time of need we as a campus must rise up. Senior Ricky Mazella, who has served alongside Spirit cheering on all of Springfield’s athletics, has now taken control of the movement to get our hero free.
“She has given so much to us,” said Mazella, “we as a student body now have an obligation to act on her behalf.”
This Friday at 3 p.m. a student rally will be held on the Abby Green in an effort to get the assault charges dropped and set Spirit free. Director of Spiritual Life David McMahon plans to speak at the rally before handing over the mic to any of the hundreds of outraged students that will be in attendance.
“Spirit truly embodies the college’s great passion, and she must be let free,” said McMahon today in a short statement to the media.
Our great campus must come together to fight this terrible injustice. Despite her intimating looks, Spirit is a gentle soul and will not fare well in prison. Come and join the movement this Friday so we can bring Spirit back to her natural habitat.
Disclaimer: All facts, interviews, details and sources are completely false. Actually, this entire story is made up. Happy April Fools’ Day!