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President Mary-Beth Cooper is heading to the nation’s capital

mbcBy Greg Allen


Donald Trump thought that being the President of the United States of America would be the perfect job for him. He thought that repealing Obamacare would be a breeze for him and his staff, and apparently he thought his ties with Russia wouldn’t be a concern.

Clearly he was wrong. Healthcare, believe it or not, is a difficult topic with many factors. After coming to this shocking realization, President Trump has informed The Springfield Student of earth-shattering news.

Trump is officially stepping down as president. That’s right, folks. You heard it here first. After just two lousy months as our nation’s leader, Trump has elected to resign.

“This is a very sad day for our country,” Trump said. “Very sad. But at this time, it’s with great regret that I must step down.”

With Trump’s announcement, the focus shifted to who will be taking over. Typical protocol calls for the vice president to take over the Oval Office when a president resigns.

However, Congress took a good hard look at our Vice President and decided that maybe putting him in office wouldn’t be such a good idea considering his outlook on homsexuality and other social issues.

“I have been absolutely snubbed of this opportunity,” Mike Pence said. “Just because I previously wanted to electrically shock the gays to fix them doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I’m furious that I’m not taking over for my good friend Donny.”

Yeah. OK whatever. Shut up, Mike. Let’s get to the point here. WHO IS TAKING OVER FOR TRUMP?

Well, who else but the one and only? Who else but the face of Springfield College? Who else but Mary-Beth Cooper?

That’s right. As of Monday, April 3, Springfield College President Mary-Beth Cooper will be sworn in as the 46th President of the United States of America. Cooper is thrilled to get to work.

“I hate to have to leave all the good people of Springfield College, but this opportunity is one that my family and I could not turn down,” Cooper said.

Before being able to officially accept the position, Cooper had to pass a polygraph exam. Questions asked focused mainly on potential connections and ties with Russia. When Cooper assured the government that she had absolutely zero ties with Russia, they told her that “due to previous bad experiences, we have implemented the Russian Polygraph Technique (RPT) to ensure that our presidents are free of any shady business.”

“I was quite taken aback when they asked me to do the polygraph test,” Cooper said. “I mean, I’ve been to China a couple of times, but I’ve never even thought about going to Russia. And I would NEVER even contemplate using Russian salad dressing.”

Melania Trump, Donald’s wife, chose to not move into the White House with her husband because she wanted her son to stay in the same school. However, Cooper has confirmed that her husband Dave and her son Cal will be moving into the White House.

Many students are thrilled for Cooper, but they have expressed one common concern.

Senior Ava Adamopolous said, “What the heck is going to happen to Cooper’s puppy Jack? I mean it’s one thing to accept a better job, but you can’t just take the dog with you. That’s absurd.”

Adamopolous, along with other students, has been protesting outside of the campus union holding signs that read “You can take our president, but not our dog,” and “Leave Jack, or I’m not coming back.”

Students have started a petition to keep the beloved dog on campus. There are currently over 1,000 signatures.

Cooper said, “It was in my full intentions to take Jack to the capital with us. However after seeing the reaction of students, I am leaning towards officially donating Jack to the college. He will be a part of Springfield College forever. It hurts me, but I know this is the right decision.”

With Cooper heading to D.C., her position at Springfield College needs to be filled. However, the new president will not be hired. They will have to be elected. Although the board of trustees has not confirmed, sources are saying that Phyllis from Dunkin Donuts and International Hall security guard Marge are clear frontrunners.

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