Defense Against The Dark Arts
For the second time in less than 20 years, Springfield College is beginning preparations to unveil a new nickname and mascot that the school will start using beginning next school year. The school’s nickname used to be the Chiefs until 1997, when the Student Government Association decided it was time to change to a less controversial nickname.
According to the book, Team Spirits: The Native American Mascots Controversy, written by C. Richard King and Charles Fruehling Springwood, the first change was very controversial. It is reported that the SGA president moved on to change the nickname without a unanimous vote. The association then went on to change the nickname to the Pride until this past week.
Newly sworn in president, Mary-Beth Cooper, hopes the new change will not be as controversial.
“When I came here, I was confused about the Pride nickname. I didn’t know how that could be made singular. People refer to their school by saying things like, ‘I am a Buckeye’ or ‘I was a Gator.’ How are people supposed to do that here?”
Cooper continued to defend the move, saying, “We polled some students and decided it was time for a change. It was an arduous task. It took months to decide on not only a mascot, but also new team colors, a logo, and getting new jerseys for all the sports teams.”
Meghan Zimbler was a part of the student committee that helped Cooper select the new mascot. Zimbler said she was apprehensive at first, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense.
“You know, at first, I didn’t think we needed a change. But the more we talked about it, the more our current mascot did not make sense. I think the one we decided on is one that will be embraced by current students, alumni, prospective students and faculty alike.”
Springfield super fan, Ricky Mazella, was allowed to hear the name before anyone else so he could start preparing songs the fans can use next year because he will not be here to sing them himself. He remembers the first time he was told, shortly after the mascot brawl incident.
“I was in shock. I’m actually pretty sure I fainted.”
Barry Ebua shared the same shock Mazella did, announcing, “I was just like, ‘For real?’”
Cooper insists that the two students’ shock was because the name was so good.
“When I told them, Ricky dropped to the floor and Barry just stared blankly at me. I could tell they loved it because they were speechless.”
In a press conference earlier this week that students were encouraged to attend, Cooper stood at the front of the Dodge Ballroom with a huge smile on her face. She was actually shocked how few students actually showed up.
“It was a legit email. We even used Jeff Monroe to help send it. We thought, when students saw his name, they would know it was real.”
With all of 14 people in attendance, Cooper and the committee started to play a Nike-esque reveal trailer for the college’s new look. The epic music blared and Zimbler, along with SGA President Becca Jacobson, could be seen shedding a tear as their hard work was finally being revealed.
After a minute of the video, which included small snippets of uniforms and of the logo, the lights in the ballroom went black. When they turned back on, an athlete from every team was standing in front of the room with their new jerseys.
The audience was stunned. Mary-Beth Cooper and her committee unrolled a banner with the new nickname in huge letters.
“Springfield College’s new nickname is the Pistol Shrimp!” yelled Cooper and the committee.
Upon the announcement, several athletes burst into tears. The new school colors would be teal, purple and orange; the colors of the animal.
One student, football senior Bryan MacDonald, better known as B-Mac, said, “I’m happy I’m graduating.”
A few other athletes could be overheard discussing transfer plans. The logo is the word “Pistol Shrimp,” with the latter half of the word “Shrimp” being crushed by a claw. For those who are not familiar with the creature, a pistol shrimp has one enormous claw, bigger than half its body, which is used as a defense mechanism. Snapping the claw together can send a shockwave that can break a small glass jar.
Cooper addressed the crowd by saying, “The Pistol Shrimp, like Springfield College, is small but it can compete with bigger animals because of a unique characteristic. While Springfield is a small school, our ‘Spirit, Mind, and Body’ mantra is enough for us to compete with much bigger schools.”
Mazella, who was invited to the ceremony to sing one of his newly penned songs, just shrugged when asked to perform.
“I spent three weeks trying to think of something. Anything. And I couldn’t do it. I have never been so depressed as I am right now. Do you know how hard it is to make a fight song with Pistol Shrimp in it? Do you know any good words that rhyme with shrimp? Me neither.”
Only time will tell how this nickname is received by the college community, but Cooper is confident everyone will love it.
“What’s not to like? Everyone loves when schools and teams unveil new uniforms and logos. Ours is unique to our school and will be loved!”
Disclaimer: All facts, interviews, details and sources are completely false. Actually, this entire story is made up. Happy April Fools’ Day!