“I Hate Movies But They Made Me Watch One Every Single Week”
Being a movie lover, it’s seldom simple to have a favorite movie of all time, let alone limit the number of ones you love to a numbered list. On the other hand, when discussing movies you dislike, it’s always much easier to rattle off a list and berate everything that fell short of personal expectation. Face it, when it comes down to it, movies are all based on opinion and there isn’t necessarily a “Greatest of All Time” title to be had unless you’re basing it off indisputable numbers such as ticket sales or merchandise sold. Low and behold, following a quiet, yet relaxing spring break, I’ve managed to compile a “Top 5” list of what I consider the worst films of all time, however.
No. 5 – Psycho (Alfred Hitchcock, 1960)
Considered one of the first great horror films, Hitchcock’s Psycho not only fails to deliver any amount of intensity or suspense, but gave birth to one of the worst sub-genres in film; slashers. The original formula of tormented/scarred man senselessly killing civilians starts here with the incredibly uninteresting Norman Bates. I’ll admit, the first time seeing it there was hope that Hitchcock could at least finish it with some sort of flare, not that a random weirdo stabbing a woman to death through a shower curtain while she’s bathing isn’t spicy enough, but it seemed like the meat and potatoes came much too late with no payoff. In similar fashion to how the “it was all a dream” ending is considered a major cop-out in film, the “his mother is actually dead” one didn’t fair any better. This horror film was far from scary, but still found the audacity to open the gateway for many more pathetic faces of evil to stake claims in the industry, including other slasher icons like Michael Meyers (Halloween), Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th), Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street), and Chuckie (Child’s Play). Thanks for nothing, Hitchcock.
No. 4 – Jurassic Park (Steven Spielberg, 1993)
Based on the novel by Michael Crichton, Jurassic Park was among the first sci-fi/adventure/horror hybrid genres. The concept of extracting dinosaur DNA from an insect preserved in amber is prime, but the execution turned it into a total flop. As an audience member, you can’t seriously walk into this movie not being able to predict the sequence of events. Man makes petting zoo for dinosaur replication. Scientists visit dinosaur petting zoo. All goes wrong. Dinosaurs escape. People die. All is fixed. People escape danger. Insert ending that allows opening for pitiful sequel. On top of the predictable chain of events, the cast is more or less a bumbling mess. Aside from Sam Neill, everyone else just doesn’t belong on the island. Laura Dern gives a feeble attempt at a heroine and Jeff Goldblum is a poor man’s John Stamos with no ability to sell peril or humor. The supporting cast is even more misplaced with Samuel L. Jackson (how many people actually remember him in this?) and Wayne Knight, who have goofy roles that feel like they belong somewhere in Space Jam.
No. 3 – Avatar (James Cameron, 2009)
Let it be known that despite being the top-grossing movie in U.S. history, Avatar was nowhere near as monumental of a success as its ticket sales showed. In fact, it’s difficult to seriously say that James Cameron even came up with an original concept for it. How hard do you really think it was to take Disney’s Pocahontas, replace Native Americans with “native aliens” and substitute a miserable paraplegic, ex-marine as a futuristic John Smith? Plus, Sam Worthington has the acting range of Keanu Reeves, and since this film has been in nothing but over-glorified “B” movies (*cough* Man on a Ledge *cough*). It’s a bummer that the talent at hand, aside from Worthington, was present in such an unoriginal, weak film that more or less crammed CGI down our throats for two-and-a-half hours. It’s a shame, because I truly enjoy Sigourney Weaver, Michelle Rodriguez, and Giovanni Ribisi. Consider this Cameron wasting the time of awesome actors as well as the audience with a story that’s been told in a better, shorter way already.
No. 2 – Fight Club (David Fincher, 1999)
A close No. 2 is David Fincher’s psychological drama, Fight Club. The only things I like about the film are Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter. Both are very diverse actors that can succeed at a high level no matter the role, and that’s what they do here. Now, everyone bust out your torches and pitchforks, because I’m ready to tell the world I am the furthest thing from a Brad Pitt fan. I have been much more impressed with his recent roles than many of the older projects on his resume, because even though he’s been in good movies, that doesn’t mean it’s due to him. I’m a sucker for psychological thrillers, but by the time the payoff at the end hits, my head hit the pillow before my jaw even had the chance to hit the floor.
No. 1 – Titanic (James Cameron, 1997)
No, this isn’t the roast of James Cameron, but seeing as these are the only two films he’s directed and/or produced that I really didn’t like, I had to include them in the top five. First of all, you don’t even have to see Titanic to know what happens and be able to talk about it. As history has shown us, tons of people hop on this ship ready to party their pants off, but end up at the bottom of the ocean due to a collision with an iceberg. I’m not bashing the history replication, but that they chose to fabricate vast amounts of the film with a hokey pre-Notebook love story that not only never occurred, but is detrimental to the telling of an incredibly true story. Anyone still crying over Leonardo DiCaprio never winning Best Lead Actor, please don’t use this as supporting evidence of why he should have.
Disclaimer: All facts, interviews, details and sources are completely false. Actually, this entire story is made up. Happy April Fools’ Day!