Christopher Theos
Staff Writer
Whether you’re rich or poor, live in the countryside or city, work financial or manual labor jobs, at some point in time, you’ve been inside an elevator. They’re just too common to avoid. Like every other crowded, up-close-and-personal place, elevators have their own etiquette code, similar to a subway or a bathroom. International Hall Elevators, like any other set of lifts, have individuals who follow the code, and those who don’t. So, here is a specified set of tips to avoid having your fellow elevator-mates ranting after they’ve escaped their encounter with you.
Tip #1: For the sake of everyone’s personal bubble, don’t stand in the center of the elevator. In an ideal situation, people take to a side of the elevator, and stay there. Not actually press themselves up against the wall, but either lean on one or stand with their back to it. There’s about 25 square feet in the elevators, and people will typically take up anywhere between 4-6 square feet, comfortably. And while there usually aren’t more than 2 or 3 people in an elevator at once, it only takes two people to feel uncomfortable with each other. Most people don’t really mind, but some do.
Tip #2: There are many, many places to show your significant other that you love them. The elevator was not designed to be one of them. When there are strangers in the elevator with you and your significant other or not-boyfriend/girlfriend-but-maybe-I-kinda-like-him/her-acquaintance. I’ll give you the perfect example. There I was, dragging my limp, half-dead body to my first class one morning. Upon pressing the button and entering the elevator, I found myself standing next to an absolute hurricane of PDA. These two, first of all, had way more energy than I’ll ever have at 8:30 in the morning. Yet they also must have thought that I wouldn’t notice the undeniable sound of two horses licking leftover food out of each other’s molars. The whole seven floors down, I really questioned why I got up for class that morning. It made me feel like a creep, even though I was purposely looking down at my phone and away from the horses. Please people, save it for your dorm room. Or car. I don’t judge here.
Tip #3: You don’t have to live in International Hall to know that there’s a bathroom about 50 feet from you at all times – every floor, no joke. The architects of International were the most innovative of their time, circa 2012, to put a bathroom on all eight floors of a dorm. Having said that, you should never, ever, EVER have to pass wind in the elevators. No matter how coy you think your one-cheek sneak is, you hit a new floor literally every five seconds. On impulse, you can just mash the button of the next floor up – and that’s if you really can’t make it the eight floors to the top. It’s just one of those inexcusable things like throwing your plastic bag out on the street or watching daytime television; horrible things, really.
Tip #4: The elevators break often. Get in the habit of using the stairs, even just a few times a week. For at least two years now, the elevators have been breaking down habitually, at least once every two months. Usually the right one, the elevators give a false sense of hope to the residents of International Hall by helping them back to their rooms for the first two or three weeks, before bringing them back down to reality and showing them just how much of a pain eight flights of stairs can be. So be warned: in preparation for an ICBM to be fired at your hometown, you wouldn’t just wait for it to happen and then take measures afterwards, would you?