Joe Brown
Editor in Chief
In a groundbreaking move that has animal lovers everywhere cheering, Springfield College President Mary-Beth Cooper and Police Chief Judy Jackson enacted a policy that will allow pets on campus starting in the fall of 2014.
“Chief Jackson and I are both dog owners and huge proponents of the importance of pets and how they are responsible for helping young people develop character,” Cooper said. “Besides, we could use a few more furry creatures for our dogs to play with on campus. Their play dates are getting one-dimensional.”
The two leaders on campus first discussed the idea back in September, shortly after Cooper took office. Jackson was out walking her dog, a yorkie-poo named Mindy, when they ran into Cooper doing the same with her faithful companion, Dakota. After stopping to chat, the two dog lovers decided to follow up by meeting once a week to take their dogs on a walk together.
According to Jackson, during one of those early walks the idea was introduced first as a joke, but then became a more serious “what if” and “why not” discussion.
“I may be the chief of police, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a soft spot in my heart for goodness sake,” Jackson said. “You want to get out of a parking ticket? Just bring a dog to my office and I’ll cave faster than Mindy can shed her fur.”
Many students on campus have lauded the policy, but it has its detractors as well. Junior Stanley Michaels not only cannot stand animals, but is also terribly allergic to dogs and cats. He is just one of a growing number that are challenging the fairness of this new policy.
“I’m beginning to sneeze just thinking of the disaster that this policy is going to cause for me and other people who are allergic to animals,” Michaels said in-between sneezes. “I may end up buying out Wal-Mart’s entire tissue supply.”
Cooper and Jackson have addressed this opposition by considering the possibility of creating a pet-free section of campus. As of now International Hall is the leading candidate for this quarantined area.
“I think we’re pretty set on calling it, ‘The Dog Pound.’” Jackson said. “Instead of locking up poor, defenseless animals like real pounds do, we’re simply locking away our students who obviously have some re-thinking to do. How can you not love dogs? One look at their cute, little puppy faces could melt anyone’s heart.”
The new “Pets Policy” was not enacted without several revisions. Initially Cooper and Jackson’s policy stated that only dogs were going to be allowed on campus (in addition to fish and any other previously permitted pets). The director of Student Activities and the Campus Union, Carl Stiles, caught the tricky wording and brought it to the administration’s attention, however. Stiles is a known cat aficionado, and was not going to have dogs roaming all over campus while his feline friends were “Coop(er)-ed” up back home.
“I understand President Cooper and Chief Jackson’s desire to have more dogs on campus, but how about showing a little love for cats?” Stiles said. “Cats make way less noise than dogs, are more self-sufficient, and don’t have to be taken on walks. They’re the obvious choice when it comes to pets.”
Despite some differences in pet preference, Stiles, Cooper, Jackson and the rest of administration eventually passed the policy, which will be effective starting the first day of classes next school year.
“I’m so excited that Dakota will have more friends to play with,” Cooper said. “We’re also working on an addition to the policy that will allow students to bring their pets to class, so stay tuned!”
One thing is certain – Springfield College is going to be a lot furrier in the near future.
Disclaimer: All facts, interviews, details and sources are completely false. Actually, this entire story is made up. Happy April Fools’ Day!