Campus Housing Expert
Next year, students looking for a night out with their upperclassmen friends will have to go to Gulick Hall. That’s right, a new housing draw process that will go in effect next year will weigh things quite differently.
“We want to reward students with good housing based on good fiscal decisions,” said Assistant Director of Housing and Residence Life Keith Moore. “As a result, 80 percent of the decision for room draw number will be based on amount of student debt collected.”
Moreover, there is a new addition to the housing process. In order for incoming first-year students to have an equal chance at housing, there will be a “social day” for students that have placed a housing deposit in May. This social day will consist of multiple get-to-know-you activities, where by the end of the day, students will have found an adequate match for a roommate or roommates.
So, simply crunching the numbers, it is easy to see that an incoming first-year student with absolutely no student debt will likely have first pick at housing, which, all things considered, will all but certainly result in the highly sought after Townhouses and Senior Suites getting snatched up by incoming students.
With this recent change comes the decision on what dorms will remain alcohol free or not, and after careful deliberation and cooperation with administration and Residence Life, a seemingly fair result has been reached, according to President Mary-Beth Cooper.
“Gulick, Reed and Massasoit will all stay dry dorms, no questions asked,” she said. “The ‘Senior Village’ may still have alcohol present, but only if you are of age. On top of that, the rule will stay that we are not allowing first-year students in the backyard of the Townhouses.”
However, there is still another 20 percent up for grabs to improve room draw number.
Ten percent will be based on if you participate on a varsity athletic team (special consideration will be given to those who are All-Americans or if the team has brought a conference championship back to the college). Another five percent will be based on grade point average, and the final five will be based on “who wants it most.” A subjective form of resolution at best, Residence Life will judge who appears to want better housing based on who expresses most interest. There is no cut and dry way to express this, but donating money is a good start, according to anonymous campus sources.
The downside of that 20 percent, however, is that with the copious amount of student debt students rack up over the course of each year of college, the remaining percent will do a negligible amount of improvement at best.
“I think it is a good direction for the school to go in; the Suites aren’t really worth it when granted a second opportunity to live in Gulick,” cites junior Dan Sugar, a cross-country runner currently living in the Living Center.
“[Expletive],” said junior Scott Bushey, openly frustrated with the fact that after two years as a Resident Assistant in first-year residence halls, he will have to spend his RA-free year as a senior in what will most likely end up being Reed Hall.
Incoming students, on the other hand, are overjoyed to have this opportunity.
“I am really looking forward to the opportunity to live in a Townhouse and get my fridge stocked up with Dr. Pepper,” said class of 2018 Communications/Sports Journalism student Hunter Julius. “I worked hard all throughout high school to put together a 1.78 GPA, and with no student debt to speak of, I’m glad it’s paying off – pun intended.”
The new system is likely going to be overturned by the end of next year, as current students are already picketing outside the Campus Union and residence of Cooper. They are doing the dirty work in getting things overturned, but unfortunately will likely never see it put into action until after they graduate.
So, on behalf of the entire incoming sophomore class, thank you, upperclassmen – you will always be welcome in my LC next year.
Disclaimer: All facts, interviews, details and sources are completely false. Actually, this entire story is made up. Happy April Fools’ Day!