Editor’s Note: This is a weekly column series by an anonymous Springfield College student. To reach the writer, contact The Springfield Student at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Have a nice Thanksgiving break, boys and girls? I hope you all got stuffed. Breaks are always a nice time to go home and rekindle past relationships. But we must not forget all of the great opportunities we have here at Springfield College. So many attractive athletes, musicians, and brainiacs running around campus; how could you ignore the endless possibilities? And speaking of athletes, I’m sure we’re all back to worrying about our godlike figures now that Thanksgiving is over.
Since your Sexpert is only here to please, I of course have some helpful hints toward losing all of the stored up cranberry sauce and beer from this break. No, no, I’m not talking about push-ups and burpees. I’m not even talking about running, though I do have a bit of cardio in mind. Ladies and gentlemen (if any gentlemen are reading this column), I present to you: sexcersize!
Now, keeping in mind that we have state-of-the-art workout equipment judging us every day in the gym, I was thinking that we should try and find other ways to burn off those 7:30 a.m. large caramel swirl coffees, don’t you? Turns out, there are plenty of other ways to lose weight, many that will really knock your socks off (and hopefully a couple of other pieces of clothing as well).
Sexcersizing doesn’t just have to involve having sex. We as college students all know how many ways there are to have fun without having to make such a serious and emotional commitment. Anyone remember back in the seventh grade when spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven were popular? Then we graduated from those activities and moved on to our super hot make-out sessions that lasted literally hours?
Well folks, it turns out we were onto something! According to “Woman’s Day,” an online magazine, an intense make-out session can burn upwards of 200 calories or more an hour! Guys, that’s a whole 20 minutes on the elliptical! Now come on, I work out fairly regularly, but I’d take kissing a hottie over sweating into a used towel any day. It’s actually a proven fact that with your elevated heart rate, sexual tension, anticipation and the literal heat in the room, the “hotter” it gets, the better your health will be.
As you probably all imagined, as the sexual tension increases, so do the number of calories being burned. It’s been said that just the removal of clothes earns 10 burned calories. But people, don’t stop there! We all know most struggle unhooking a bra in the middle of an exciting hook-up. But as research shows, if you get a little creative with it, you will be rewarded in the long run.Attempting to unhook a bra with your mouth burns an average of 80 calories per attempt, (but for the ladies’ sake, please only make one attempt).
Fortunately, there are certain circumstances where multiple attempts are not only allowed, but invited. In these beautiful situations, we’re burning anywhere from 300 to 500 calories an hour! And I hear that moaning adds an extra 18 to 30 calories burnt, so make sure to give your Sexpert a shout-out! Until next time, my sexy readers.