Marshall Hastings
Bucket Hat Aficionado
One of the most prominent activities at Springfield College is getting a major face lift.
When the weather warms up – trust me, it will happen eventually – and the oh so holy week of Sti-Yu-Ka is upon us, Springfield College students will see a sudden change during the weeklong celebration.
In years past, activities have included pie eating contests, pole climbs and other hilarious games. This year, the games will be much more relaxed.
Students will be offered an opportunity to compete in knitting and crocheting competitions. The Health Center reported that during Sti-Yu-Ka, a high number of individuals had suffered catastrophic injuries. Last year alone, 14 students had watermelon seeds logged in their nostrils during a watermelon-eating contest.
Also, 55 students suffered partial to full loss of sight from whip cream getting into their eye sockets.
“The number of injuries last year was through the roof,” said Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students David Braverman. “Kids without vision, broken bones from falling off of poles, it’s unacceptable. Springfield is a place where students can relax and be healthy, and now the games will show that.”
“Taste of SC,” one of the most popular events where students are offered a chance to gorge on carnival-type foods on Reed Green, has also been cancelled. Replacing the event will be, “Read SC.”
Reed Green will be converted into an outdoor reading area, complete with bean bags and rocking chairs. Students will be given works from writers like Edgar Allan Poe, Robert Frost, and J.K. Rowling to enjoy.
During “Read SC,” there will be a book-reading contest. Students who wish to enter will be given Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The first one to complete the book in the allotted time will be honored with free book rentals from Babson Library.
The spring concert also has been cancelled, as school officials point to the fact that the concert can get too “rowdy and loud,” and “that isn’t what this school is about.”
Instead of the concert, students will be given a nature walk around campus, with a checklist of things to find. The list includes dandelions, four leaf clovers and bird nests.
While school officials realize there may be some backlash from the student body, they feel that keeping the students safe is their main priority.
“At Springfield, we have a tradition of having a healthy student body, and Sti-Yu-Ka went completely against that tradition,” Braverman said. “It only makes sense for us to get rid of the bad parts about it and make it better.”
Springfield College faculty members anticipate a backlash from the student body, but claim that they “know what they are doing” and “know what is best for the school as a whole.”
Disclaimer: All facts, interviews, details and sources are completely false. Actually, this entire story is made up. Happy April Fools’ Day!