Jon Santer
Interim Editor in Chief
I, Jon Santer, former Sports Editor of The Springfield Student, have recently accepted the role as Interim Editor-in-Chief for the remainder of the 2014 academic year.
Now, you might be asking yourself, why? Due to a recent investigation into our newspaper club, our former Editor-in-Chief, Joe Brown, has been indicted for his recent string of animal cruelty and has resigned from the newspaper staff.
In fact, when our newspaper club visited San Diego, Calif. for the Associated Press Collegiate National Journalism Convention, Joe was spotted taking out his frustrations over an unhelpful breakout session by kicking a puppy off of a bridge. Now, no one really knows the reasoning behind this, but we were eager to find out, so we asked some witnesses, including the owner of the victim.
“One time I was eating a burrito and decided I was full, so I threw it out the window. I accidentally hit Joe in the face, who was following me on his motorcycle,” commented Ron Burgundy, owner of the border terrier formerly known as Baxter. “When I got out of the car to apologize, Joe looked at me and said, ‘You just destroyed the one thing I love.’ After Joe asked me what I loved, he picked up Baxter and punted him off of the bridge. I was heartbroken.”
Even Burgundy’s girlfriend at the time, Veronica Corningstone, was distraught over Joe’s actions.
“Besides playing the jazz flute and doing tremendous amounts of bicep curls, Baxter was the only thing in life that Ron cared about,” said Corningstone through her tears. “I can’t believe he would do such a thing; he should be punished for his actions.”
After returning home from the journalism conference, we had all seen what had happened, but decided not to ask Joe about it for fear that he might take out more of his anger on our puppies. But then, we realized that we still had an unresolved question: what exactly inspired Joe to do such a thing?
Being in charge, I took it upon myself to track down Joe and follow up with him regarding his actions.
Joe simply looked at me dead in the eye and uttered the words: “I don’t know what to tell you Jon. I’m a cat guy.”
Of course, this is an extreme offense and on behalf of the rest of the newspaper staff, we would like to extend our deepest apologies.
Jon Santer can be reached at rburgandy@baxter.net
Disclaimer: All facts, interviews, details and sources are completely false. Actually, this entire story is made up. Happy April Fools’ Day!