Editor’s Note: This is a weekly column series by an anonymous Springfield College student. To reach the writer, contact The Springfield Student at firstname.lastname@example.org
Let’s take a poll. How many people think it’s fair to say the only language they use on an every day basis is English? Now, this is not including people who speak other languages, or people who use sign language. I’m talking about people who think the only form of communication is verbal language. And no ladies, your Twitter does not count (OMG the SC Sexpert is such a witch!). I’m talking about the other languages. The languages that everybody uses on a daily basis. The languages that they don’t even realize they’re communicating with. And here, my sexy readers lies the problem.
Say you have a big French test. As you’re going through the questions, you realize you may not really know as much as you thought you did. You didn’t have that “je ne sais quoi” this time around. When you get your test back, it’s accompanied by a big fat “F.” Unfortunately, life isn’t that easy. If you’re failing in the language of sex, you won’t be getting a big fat “F” to notify you that you’re doing a below average job. And you certainly won’t be getting a “D,” either.
This is the problem. People focus on languages they may very well never use again, when they are failing miserably at the languages they are using every day. Sure, being trilingual might look good on an application, but it probably won’t help you all that much between the sheets. But, once again you lucky little readers, your SC Sexpert is here to help. I am here to help you get an “A” in the language of sex.
The first thing to realize is that this language isn’t difficult. There are no verbs to translate, no noun agreements to match. This is purely physical. For the beginners, let’s start off with body language.
This is along the same lines of the language of sex, but it’s a bit tamer. Body language is used every day, by everyone. Lesson one: Standing with your arms crossed gives off a vibe that says leave me alone. With your arms at your sides, you are much more inviting, and people feel more comfortable approaching you.
How is your new crush ever going to make an appearance when you look like you want to turn them to stone and place them next to good ‘ole Naismith?
Lesson two: Slouching and looking at the ground isn’t the most confident look you’ve got. Let’s be honest, there aren’t many people who want to jump your bones when they can’t even see your face. Have some faith in yourselves my sexy readers. Walk with purpose! Make eye contact with that hottie working the front desk at the Union. Confidence is a sexy trait, and it’s all in your power to work what your mama gave you.
Now, for my extrovert friends who have the hang of body language down already, let’s talk in my favorite language. The language of sex. Oh please, I’m not talking about a couple of moans and “oh yeahs” – get real. I’m talking about the physical chemistry people feel towards one another. There is no point to deny the existence of this, because it happens to everyone at some point in their lives. This is more than not crossing your arms or keeping eye contact. This is about that butterfly feeling you get when you lock eyes with someone special. This is about how to use those feelings and get an “A+” in your everyday language.
There are so many tips I could give you, but for purposes of writing a column and not a novel, I must stick to my word limit. We shall talk about the three most important lessons in the language of sex. Let’s call them the hello, how are you, and where’s the bathroom of this lesson because let’s face it, those are always the first three things you learn in language class.
First: eye contact. This is not the simple kind of eye contact back from lesson one. I’m talking about locked eye contact that makes your palms sweat. The kind that makes your heart skip a beat. This most often occurs with somebody you find to be extra attractive. The difference between friend-zone and relationship-zone is the difference between catching someone’s eye, and keeping it. Once you’ve locked eyes with that special someone, hold it for at least three seconds. Then look away. Then look back. If they’re still looking at you, you’re on your way to your first “A+.”
Next is physical contact. This is what separates the newbies from the professionals. Make sure to hold onto that hug for just a second longer, to accidentally rub against their arm when walking past them. Physical contact lets them know you’re interested, and connects you in a physical manner. For brownie points, make sure to touch their arm when you’re laughing. Even if their joke is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard, touching them will subconsciously bring you two closer.
And finally, the godfather of all moves: the lip bite. This is a classic move that can often close the deal with that love interest. Now people, don’t get crazy here.Don’t go skipping steps one and two and jumping straight to the lip bite. That’ll send you somewhere worse than respite. This move is only to be used by those who can handle it. It’s subtle, but sexy in a way that can make your toes curl.
Take my advice friends, and I can promise you an “A+” in the language of sex. These moves, without fail, will help you improve your fluency, and be the true Casanova you are on the inside. Until next time, my sexy readers.