This section is dedicated to all the strange things happening on Alden Street!
Editor’s Note: This story ran as part of our April Fool’s Day edition in April 2013.
– After 128 years, the Springfield College triangle has run its course. Administration has decided that starting next year, the triangle will be replaced by the rhombus. According to Vice President of Student Affairs and Dean of Students David Braverman, the triangle does not adequately describe the college’s mission in the present day.
“Springfield College’s mission of Spirit, Mind and Body has served the college well, but we need to keep up with the times to attract modern students,” Braverman said. “The rhombus represents a new era for Springfield with a nod to tradition. Now, the mission will be Spirit, Mind, Body and Fashion. We feel like the fourth side of the rhombus is a perfect fit.”
– The Class of 2012 will be dedicating a statue of a group of three lions to be placed outside Amos Alonzo Stagg Field for the start of the 2013 fall semester. The class, represented by former Student Trustee Tyler Hilbert, dedicated the statue to their alma mater to represent the immense pride they feel for the college.
“It seemed only appropriate that we would represent the pride we feel for the Pride with a statue of a pack of lions, or a pride. The James Naismith statue is such a source of pride, and we wanted to extend that pride with another statue to promote more pride,” Hilbert said.
– Springfield College Chief of Police Judy Jackson made a proposal to outlaw yoga pants on the campus of Springfield College. She deemed the pants a safety hazard and expressed that a change is necessary to bring back a sense of order to the campus.
“Let’s be real here people, these pants are drawing lots of attention. They’re like a sign saying, ‘Look here!’” Jackson said. “The problem is, there’s a lot of males doing just that. Do you know the number of calls we’ve gotten from angry drivers about guys wandering as if in a trance across the street? It has to stop. I see only one way to do that – eliminate the yoga pants!”
– Junior Devin Biscaha, the unranked Springfield College wrestler who recently overcame all odds to win Springfield’s first-ever Division III NCAA individual wrestling championship, received a surprising invitation from an SC alum. John Cena, the famous WWE wrestler, congratulated Biscaha on his victory and challenged him to a friendly wrestling match.
“I was shocked that Cena even knew that I won,” Biscaha said. “I’m not sure if I’m going to take him up on his offer, though. I haven’t really been trained to handle having my head bashed in by a chair.”
– Representatives from the Springfield College administration met with administration from Western New England University to discuss the pros and cons of changing Springfield College to Springfield University. Assistant Vice President for Student Affairs and Associate Dean of Students Terry Vecchio commented on the possible change.
“We feel that the college has the potential to attract more students by becoming a university,” Vecchio said. “Besides, I kind of like the way ‘SU’ sounds. It’s got a certain ring to it. I think students could get used to it.”
-This past week it has been announced that Lindsay Lohan has been named the commencement speaker for the 2013 undergraduate ceremony. According to a press release, after months of trying to find the right candidate for the job the school settled on Lohan because she has “persevered through so much.”
“Lindsay was actually on the top of our list,” commencement committee member David McMahon said. “She seems like a really sweet girl who has a good head on her shoulders. We feel that the class of 2013 would really identify with her. We are looking forward to having her speak.”
– One of the most popular buildings on campus is being shut down. In the upcoming months Babson Library will be closing due to head reference librarian Rachael Naismith’s desire to enter the WNBA draft. Naismith, granddaughter of the main man James himself, has recently felt a strong desire to honor her grandfather properly and go play professional ball. The rest of the library staff realized the library would not be able to function without her, so it is being shut down at the end of this school year.
“I’m really looking forward to this opportunity,” Naismith explained. “I’m sad that the library is closing, but whatever, nobody reads books these days anyway!”
– Springfield College football senior running back Mike Davis nearly suffered a Manti Te’o-like fate when tweets appeared about him from a source calling herself “Lady Pride.” Davis denied all rumors, saying that he had never had any contact with the source.
“I have a strict policy of only dating real women that I can see with my own eyes,” Davis said. “Online relationships are not for me.”