Editor’s Note: This story ran as part of the April Fool’s Day edition in April 2013. This is in no way an accurate representation of how tuition money is handled.
Every year, Springfield College students make deposits to attend the school. Each student’s money should be going towards funding the maintenance of the school, improving student life and other similar expenses. The administration makes good use of our money…or so we think.
There have been numerous reports around campus that the students’ tuition has been floating around in many weird and exotic places. To take exotic into a larger concept, Jamaica is a good example. It has been reported that the entire administration has been taking vacations to Jamaica every week.
The administration has been using that money to experience uncountable amounts of leisure. Their activities include tanning in Jamaica’s finest resorts, fancy dinners, and even competing in relay races with Jamaican sprinting star Usain Bolt.
Bolt did not have time to discuss his time with the SC administration, but local Jamaican Tlob Niasu reflected on the faculty’s experience in Jamaica.
“It seemed like they were having a blast. I don’t really know where they got all that money, but they were sure having a fun time at the casino,” said Niasu.
The administration are not the only ones who are having fun with the school’s money. A number of workers at Cheney have been spotted using the money on dinnes at Red Robin instead of working.
The places that the students’ money is being used continues to get even more outrageous. An investigative report obtained by The Student has given details that every student’s tuition is being used for the planting of trees and growing of fresh, new grass.
Out of the nearly $42,000 that an average student spends a year to attend Springfield College, $10,000 from each student is being used for planting more trees around the campus.
Why would the college do something like this? Don’t we have enough trees? The grass is not as expensive, but $5,000 from each student’s tuition is used for growing more and better quality grass.
Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students David Braverman touched on how much of an impact the grass could potentially make on the school.
“This is top of the line grass. Every student will be amazed when their feet touch the newly grown grass,” said Braverman excitedly.
As we all know, Springfield College is very dedicated to athletics. In a shocking move, it has been discovered that Blake Arena will be up for demolition. The arena is expected to be demolished by late May, after most students leave for the summer.
The reason why Blake Arena is being destroyed has not been explained yet, but the replacement has been identified. A brand new, state of the art lecture hall will be built in Blake Arena’s place. Blake Arena will be changed to “Blake Hall 2.0.”
The students’ tuition money is traveling in various places and directions, and these might be only a few of the previously undisclosed uses. Who knows where the money will go next?